


romance and other epic failures

by Walutahanga



Category: The New Legends of Monkey (TV)
Genre: Comedy, Developing Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Happy Ending, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Misunderstandings, Poor Commication, Relationship Discussions, Relationship Negotiation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 18:19:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14624364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Walutahanga/pseuds/Walutahanga
Summary: Monkey doesn't really care that Tripitaka is a girl. He's more interested in the part where she's not a monk.Sadly, after six hundred years his seduction skills are a bit out of practise.





	romance and other epic failures

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Chai Hansen's hair. Because he's right; it is the best hair on the show. Possibly any show.

So Tripitaka is a girl. That explains a few things.

When they first met, Monkey had assumed puberty had gone oddly for the monk. You saw that here and there; girls with beards, or boys with narrow builds and soft high voices. With unusual tact, Monkey hadn’t brought it up, even stepping on Sandy’s toes when she guilelessly asked when Tripitaka would be finished growing.

“I’m not a child,” Tripitaka had said, face red.

“Oh.” Sandy had peered at him in confusion, saying: “But you’re so _tiny_.”

“A lot of people are short,” Tripitaka had said defensively. “It’s not so unusual.”

“I suppose. Maybe you’ll have another growth spurt soon– ow, Monkey, that _hurt_.”

Before, Monkey had thought the monk was embarrassed by his body when he went into the trees to dress or undress. Now it seems fairly obvious that he – _she_ – had been afraid of discovery. It’s rather impressive she kept up the façade for as long as she did, with all of them living in each other’s back pockets.

None of that is important, however. Monkey’s never cared one way or another what people had under their clothes. Not when they were trying to kill him, nor when they were trying to get him into bed.

What really matters – what Monkey takes away from this – is that Tripitaka _is not a monk_.

* * *

He makes his first attempt two weeks after the Jade Palace. They’re on the road to look for the next scroll, and Sandy and Pigsy have gone into town for supplies. It’s the first time Monkey’s had Tripitaka alone since the tower and he seizes the opportunity.

“So they’re gone,” he says, draping himself seductively across the grass where Tripitaka is sitting. He shakes out his hair (hey, if you’ve got it, flaunt it) and props his chin up on one hand with a winning smile: “What shall we do to pass the time?”

Tripitaka is frowning distractedly over a map. “I’m going to try to and plan our route past the marshes. This road can’t be right.”

“Is that all you want to do?” He raises his eyebrows cheekily.

She looks puzzled, then suspicious. “We’re not playing hide and seek again.”

Oh. Right. That had been Monkey’s bright idea at teaching Tripitaka stealth. It had ended with Sandy concussed, Pigsy nearly drowning in the river, Monkey with a bloody nose and Tripitaka narrowly avoided losing an eye. They’d all agreed never to try it again.

“No hide and seek,” he promises edging closer while she stares at him as if he’s lost his mind. “I just think there are more… fun ways to pass the time than some dusty old map, right monk?” He leans in for a kiss, only to get smacked with the map.

“Very funny, Monkey,” Tripitaka says. “Now leave me alone and let me think.”

So the first attempt doesn’t go very well.

* * *

The second attempt is during a training session. Ever since defeating Davari, Monkey and the others have been trying to teach Tripitaka a few moves. She’s still useless in a fight but at least she might be able to get away if someone grabs her.

Monkey has her facing him, holding her wrist as he explains. “…the weakest part of my grip is between the finger and thumb, so that’s where you want to direct your strength.”

Tripitaka nods, studying Monkey’s hand with a thoughtful frown. It’s kind of adorable. Monkey knows cracking onto someone during training is not a good idea and generally ends with someone hurt, but it’s not like he’s teaching her anything other than how to break a hold.

“Otherwise I might do _this_ ,” he says, and uses that grip to pull her against him.

“I don’t remember how to get out of this one,” she says, face a little flushed and very close.

“Just use your imagination, monk.” Monkey slips his free arm about her waist and leans in – only for her to stamp hard on his foot and wrench free.

“I did it!” Tripitaka cheers delightedly. “That was what I was supposed to do, right?”

“Yep,” Monkey lies, manfully trying to keep from hopping up and down in pain. “That’s it. You got it. Well done.”

So the second attempt goes even worse.

* * *

The third attempt is when they’re staying overnight at an inn. Monkey waits until Tripitaka has gone up to her room and Sandy is safely entranced by the musician in the common room, then sneaks up the stairs.

“Monkey?” Tripitaka says when she opens the door. “Is everything alright?” She’s no longer in those monk’s robes, he notes approving, but something looser for sleeping.

“Just checking on my favourite monk,” he says, and leans in to kiss her, only to get shoved back forcefully.  

“This isn’t funny!” Tripitaka hisses and slams the door. Monkey doesn’t jump back fast enough and gets smacked in the nose.

“Son of a–” He feels his face tenderly, not finding any blood. Seduction is harder than he remembers it. And a lot more dangerous.

“You’re not very good at this, are you,” says a familiar, sarcastic voice. Monkey looks up to see Pigsy at the end of the hall. For some reason, he feels like he’s been caught out doing something he shouldn’t.

“I was just –”

“Yeah, I know what you were doing. Come on, lets have a drink.”

* * *

Two beers later, Pigsy says: “Women, eh.”

“Yeah,” Monkey agrees. “Not like men. Men are easy.”

Pigsy chokes on his drink. “Right,” he coughs. “So I’ve heard.”

“They were easier in the old days anyway,” Monkey says. Then something occurs to him. “Tell the truth, does this crown make me look stupid? Is that why Tripitaka won’t sleep with me?”

“It probably doesn’t help. But I wouldn’t say that’s the reason. Has it occurred to you that maybe Tripitaka just doesn’t want to sleep with you?”

“No,” Monkey says honestly. “Why wouldn’t she?”

“Maybe you’re not her type.”

“I’m everyone’s type.”

“… sure. You know there are people who don’t like sex. Or women who only like to play around with women. And she and Sandy did spend a few days alone together.” He makes a weird face like he’s trying to wink his eye and wriggle his nose at the same time.

Monkey thinks about this. “So what you’re saying is, I should turn into a woman.”

“What? No, that’s not what I’m– wait, you can do that?”

“Eh.” Monkey makes a so-so gesture. “It’s a long story.”

“Look, my point is, maybe you should talk to her. Find out what she wants _before_ you go charging in and making an idiot of yourself. Again.”

* * *

In lieu of any other options, Monkey decides to try Pigsy’s advice.

“So what are you into?” He asks while they’re on the road a few days later. 

Tripitaka blinks at him. “What am I into?”

“Sexually. In bed. I’m into going down on people. It’s this power kink thing–”

“Monkey!” Tripitaka is blushing, covering her face with her hands. Pigsy has slapped a hand over his eyes.

Sandy catches up to them. “What’s going on?” She asks curiously. 

“Monkey just told Tripitaka he likes orally pleasing his lovers,” Pigsy says in what Monkey has come to call his ‘what Monkey has done now’ voice.

“Oh.” Sandy considers this for a second. “I don’t really understand it. All that thrashing around.” She adds hastily: “But everyone’s different. I’m sure it’s quite lovely for you, Monkey.”

Tripitaka has lowered her hands and is peering at Sandy over her fingertips. “You don’t… um…at all…”

“Sometimes, if I like someone and want to make them feel good. It’s nice when they want to cuddle afterwards. I like that. Did you cuddle with Locke, Pigsy?”

“Um… yeah. Sometimes.”

“Did you not enjoy it?” Sandy looks upset now.

“Yeah, of course.” Pigsy sighs. “I did, actually. A lot.”

Monkey thinks this has all gone a lot deeper than he intended. All he’d wanted to know was if Tripitaka was into men in general, and into him specifically.

“What about you?” He says, pointedly redirecting the question at her.

She’s gone even redder. “I don’t know. I’ve never… we should really get a move on. The sun will be setting soon.”

They start moving again, but Monkey is distracted by this answer to his question.

Tripitaka is a virgin.

Huh.

* * *

Tripitaka is confused – but pleased – when Monkey presents her with flowers the next day.

“I’ve been acting like a jerk,” Monkey says. “I’ve been trying to seduce you without actually asking what you want.”

Tripitaka’s eyebrows rise. “You have?”

Monkey is a little hurt; most people remember when he tries to seduce them. “Those times I tried to kiss you?”

“But those –” Tripitaka’s face turns red. “I thought you were teasing me for being a monk!”

“You’re not actually a monk though,” Monkey points out sensibly.

“Well no, but… Really?”

“Yep.” Monkey clasps his hands behind his back with his best noble look. “If you're open to the idea, I would like do things properly with flowers and dinner and... stuff. Though you are free to say no because being a god doesn’t entitle me to your body, and you have the right not to feel pressured into intimacy and it’s none of my business if you’d prefer to have sex with literally anyone other than me or no one at all.” He stops for breath, then adds: “Though one of my powers was to turn into a girl. Just throwing it out there.” 

“That’s really not nec–”

“Okay, no girl. Romance still okay?”

“But I don’t –”

“That’s a no then?”

Tripitaka sighs, but she’s smiling. “No, that’s not a no.”

* * *

It turns out being romanced by Monkey is as dangerous as playing hide and seek with him. Despite his best efforts, he manages to nearly kill Tripitaka with flowers that she’s allergic to, give her food-poisoning twice trying to cook her dinner, and nearly get her kidnapped by a fire-demon from the romantic meadow he’d picked out for them. Pigsy, naturally, thinks it's all hilarious and Sandy is no help at all. 

“Okay,” Tripitaka says after they kill the demon. “I think I’m done with romance.”

“Fair enough,” Monkey manages to say without crying, even though being dumped is really difficult on top of having his hair singed. Some days it’s just not worth getting out of bed.

“It’s my fault really. I should have said it earlier when you asked to romance me.”

“I understand.”

Tripitaka is looking at him like she’s waiting for something. “I guess I just wanted to try it, you know? I’d never had anyone bring me flowers. And it was nice, even with the hives and sneezing. It’s not like I didn’t enjoy you making a fuss over me…”

“It’s okay,” Monkey says. “You don’t have to apologise. I get it. It’s not working out.”

“So.” She looks at him expectantly.

“So.” He wonders if there’s a graceful way to escape this torture so he can nurse his rejection in private.

“…so _maybe_ you should try kissing me now.”

He blinks, confused. “But you just said you wanted to break up.”

Now she looks surprised. “I didn’t say I wanted to break up! I said I didn’t want to be romanced anymore.”

He gives up trying to interpret what’s going on. “What do you want then?”

Her hand curls into his. “Monkey. I’m saying I want to be _seduced_.”

* * *

A little while later, Tripitaka breaks off the kiss to add: “Just one thing.”

“Anything,” Monkey says, perhaps unwisely.  

“Don’t call me monk while we’re doing this.” And while he’s still laughing, she raises up on her tip-toes to kiss him again.

**Author's Note:**

> Monkey being able to turn into a girl is a mythology gag from the 1978 show. Good times.


End file.
